Some things to do if you are a 21st-century American:
1. Look at the real-estate ads and realize that you could now afford to buy that $400,000 house whose price has dropped to $200,000. Except that you can't get a loan for the $200,000.
2. Be attracted to a politician who boasts that he is "not a politician." (Do not, however, take this approach in other fields, such as having an operation performed on you by someone who boasts that he is "not a doctor.")
3. Eagerly read in great detail about the marital vicissitudes of a famous actress, despite the fact that she would have little, if any, interest in yours.
4. Go to a big-box store and buy a three-month's supply of toilet paper. Hey, it won't go bad.
5. Worry that you'll outlive the money you've saved for retirement.
6. Worry that you won't live that long.
7. Call up a radio sports talk show and explain in great detail how you know how to run your favorite team better than the team's general manager does.
8. Park your car in the driveway because your garage is full of stuff.
9. Congratulate yourself for having quitting smoking, and feel superior to the people who haven't.
10. Argue that mass transit is a great solution for our transportation problems. Then not ride it.
11. Go to concerts by aging music groups that haven't had a hit song since (insert the year when you were 24 years old).
12. Denounce the United States Congress as a pack of incompetent, irresponsible bums. Then re-elect your own congressman.
13. As you lie in your hospital bed, reflect that you shouldn't have had that fourth appletini and then told your friends, "Hey, watch this!"
14. Promise you're going to buy an electric car whenever the price comes down.
15. Demand that the federal government reduce spending on all but its essential functions, which can be defined as the people in your area who have government jobs.
16. Spring awake in the middle of the night thinking: Whoa, did I really put that photo on my Facebook page? Yeah, you know the one.
17. If you are a member of the Baby Boom generation, ponder how many decades it's been since you did anything that could be associated with the exclamation "Boom!"
18. Order the stromboli with extra cheese and garlic knots on the side, but wash it down with a Diet Coke.
19. Kick yourself for not buying gold when it was $500 an ounce.